The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia
by Aisshe
Summary: A Miss Cam-authorized OFUM spin-off. Prepare to be welcomed by a sword-fighting mouse and grouchy Marshwiggle, and to meet the acquaintance of the minis! Complete with learning through pain, and a multi-tasking course coordinator.
1. A Strange Message from a Strange Source

The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia                                                                                                By: Ash Meadows

Disclaimer: None of the elements belonging to the world of Narnia are mine – they belong to C.S. Lewis.  The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia is a Miss Cam authorized spin-off of OFUM. 

Anyone wishing to enroll, please email me (see my bio) for an enrollment form.  Please note, those lacking a sense of humor about one's self need not apply. 

***

Chapter One – A Strange Message from a Strange Source

            "You see, it's the perfect ending to my story," Ellie Mathews said into the phone.  "It sets the tone perfectly for a sequel, and leaves the readers just wishing for more of the story," the girl finished, then fell silent, waiting for a response from the other end.

"Oh, you finished it!  I can't believe that it's finally done!  Oh, I'm sure you'll get tons of reviews online, I mean, you're like, the best writer around, I mean, the dude that wrote Narnia, you're better than him, even – I mean, he never wrote the way you do!" came the rather enthusiastic response.  

Ellie smiled at her friend's enthusiasm, then clicked the final "submit" button on the computer screen.  "Well, it's posted, and I sent you the final chapter in an email" she said into the phone, and sighed.  "Now to wait for the reviews.  Listen," she said into the phone, "I need to go.  There's a few things I need to take care of around the house.  So, talk to you later," she said, and then hung up to her best friend's excited squeals as she read the final chapter of Ellie's masterpiece. 

Ellie smiled.  Her story was such a success.  Who didn't love to read Narnia slash?  It livened up the stories so much, and who was to say that C.S. Lewis didn't intend to write that in?  After all, the guy was dead, so who really knew his intentions?  Ellie's eyes flicked over the computer screen again, rereading the last paragraph of her latest work.

_            Night had fallen on Narnia, and a cold wind whispered through the trees.  The wind always blew now.  Dark times had fallen, and the only ones who could save Narnia now were not the least bit interested.  It seemed all hope had been lost…Narnia had been lost…_

 "Lost?  Oh, no my dear girl, Narnia is still very much in place," a small voice piped up from around the vicinity of Ellie's knees.  She looked down, and gasped in surprise.

A mouse was standing next to her chair.  Since when did mice stand on their hind legs?  Ellie stared at the rodent, taking in the fact that he wore a feather stuck into a circlet upon his head, and there was a long sword belted to his side.  She raised her eyebrows as the mouse began speaking to her.  A talking mouse?

"Now, see, dear girl, you are what we refer to as a fan writer.  And not a very good one, I might add.  I am Reepicheep, and it is my official duty, granted to me by Miss Ash, the coordinator of the Official Fanfiction University of Narnia, to bring the lot of you into the university so you may be taught proper writing skills.  Rillian here has your enrollment papers, and if you would be so kind as to fill them out, then  we will be happy to process them for you," the mouse said, and made a small motion with a paw.  At the motion, a creature stepped forward and dropped a roll of papers on top of her keyboard, making low growling noises the entire time. 

Ellie's eyes widened ever further.  Was that a dragon?  It certainly looked like one, what with the smoke curling up from the nostrils, the long claws that were currently shredding her carpet, and wings that were beating up and down in an agitated fashion.  The only problem was, the creature was only three feet tall.  A mini-dragon?  The thing looked up just then, in time to catch her staring at him, and whipped his tail around agitatedly, catching the roll of papers and flinging them into Ellie's lap.

"Ah, I believe Rillian wants you to fill out the enrollment papers," Reepicheep said, and swiftly drew his sword.  "I would be more than happy to assist him in encouraging you to make haste and fill them out."

Ellie gulped, and then pulled apart the outer bindings of the paper roll.  Dozens of papers fell into her lap, and she stifled a groan.  The only explanation for this was a hallucination.  She had stayed up rather late the previous night working on her masterpiece, and honestly could not recall what time she went to bed.  Perhaps she never did go to bed, and this was all part of an elaborate dream.  Then, if this was a dream, there would be no harm in filling out the papers.  With that in mind, she snatched up her favorite sparkly green pen, and started to fill in the papers.

Name: Ellie Mathews

Age: 16

Race: Human 

Chosen Side?: Good/Evil/Fence-Sitter      

Good, obviously.  But why did they need to know what she thought of taking over Narnia?  No one in their right mind would attempt such a thing.

Fear of the following (mark all that apply): Aslan/Evil Witches/Mini-Dragons/Talking Animals/CS Lewis/None of the above   

Huh?  Ellie rolled her eyes a bit.  Why would she fear any of them, though?  None of the above, obviously.

I've written a Mary-Sue fic?: Yes/No

I've written slash fic?: Yes/No 

I've created a mini-dragon: Yes/No 

My Narnian lust object is: 

Ellie shook her head.  This was fairly elaborate, for a dream.  Normally she didn't dream in such clarity.  The last four questions were strange, and she was insulted someone could consider any of her original characters a Mary-Sue.  That was the ultimate fan fiction insult!  But the dragon was looking at her strange again, so she quickly circled 'yes' for the first two questions.  At the third, she stopped again.  How was a mini-dragon created?  She shrugged, then circled 'yes'.  Maybe it meant a dragon was added to your story, and she had done that.  Her Narnian lust object?  She supposed it could be Caspian, but she wrote about Rilian more than anything, so Rilian.  She signed her name at the bottom, failing to read the warnings and fine print located at the top of the form.  As she lifted her pen, the papers rolled themselves up again, and were snatched up by the dragon, who had been hovering around her desk for the last ten minutes Ellie had spent filling out the form.

"Many thanks, dear girl," the mouse piped up again.  "We shall process these immediately, and welcome to OFUN.  Fun for the teachers, education for the students."  With those words, the mouse and accompanying dragon disappeared.

Ellie shook her head, then stood up, glancing at the clock as she did so.  Her eyebrows shot upwards in surprise as her brain registered it was already three in the afternoon.  She had to hurry and get ready to go to the movies with her best friend.  Ellie dashed over to her walk in closet and stepped inside, searching for her jacket.  She knew she had flung in against the back wall of her closet as she had hurriedly cleaned her room, so she moved towards the back of her closet, attempting to flick the light switch on.  The moment she went to turn the light on, the bulb burned out, and Ellie was left in darkness.  She didn't have time to change to bulb, so she continued to move towards what she knew was the back of her closet.  She reached down to feel for her jacket, and tripped over a pair of shoes.  She could feel herself falling forward, and braced herself for the impact with the closet wall, but it never came. 


	2. BeWitching Arguments and Death Threats

The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia

By: Ash Meadows 

Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, or any other world that may appear in a random reference.  I don't own OFUM, and I thank Miss Cam for letting me use the OFU concept, and for the mini-balrog, Valer.

***

Time.  Why was time always her enemy?  Anja frantically raced through the winding corridors and wide halls of OFUN, or the Official Fanfiction University of Narnia.  She was attempting to find Jadis, the White Witch, before too much else could go wrong.  The morning had been absolutely littered with disasters, and all of them had stemmed from one staff member or another.

First off, Jadis had awoken in a foul mood.  One of her hair pins had gone awry in the right, leaving a rather large crimp in her otherwise straight hair.  Anja had a sneaking suspicion that the mischief-loving Prince Cor had put a few of the talking mice up to rearranging Jadis's pins, since hairpins usually didn't move on their own volition.  Jadis was not a morning person, and waking up with her hair in such a state did nothing to improve her disposition.  And when Jadis was in a temper, she took her frustrations out on the one thing that would respond to her – the weather.

So the rest of OFUN had woken up to a snowflakes gently falling, which had soon escalated to a full-scale blizzard.  Miss Ash had been furious at the sudden weather change, and had threatened to make Jadis do all of the staff laundry for a month, without magic.  That threat had been enough to make Jadis bring the sun out again, but it did nothing for the three feet of snow that was piled up.

The sudden arrival of the snow had brought out the inner child of most of Narnia's various royalty, many of who decided a snowball fight was an excellent way to spend the morning.  Unfortunately, Miss Ash hadn't been able to see the humor through all the work that still had to be done.  Anja bit her lip, remembering how the course coordinator's wrath had almost been tangible enough to melt the snow that had accumulated.  Anja had known Miss Ash, or just Ash to her and only her, for many years, and had rarely seen her temper flare the way it had that morning.  The stress of trying to make an Official Fanfiction University run smoothly was most likely affecting her, and not in a positive way.

Some of the staff members that hadn't been in the snowball fight were not helping matters, either.  Puddleglum's gloom-and-doom attitude had finally peaked, sending the Marshwiggle into his equivalent of a nervous breakdown, the Gloomy Meltdown Syndrome, his three hundred and forty-seventh since the planning for OFUN had begun.  Puddleglum had been most unfortunate to come across some bad slash writing, and had fallen into a state of numb despair, staring at the ceiling and wringing his hands together.  It had taken some intense therapy sessions to convince him that his life was headed in a more positive direction, although Anja wasn't sure all the reasons that were given to him entirely made sense.

She shook her head, attempting to dispel the thoughts of the downtrodden Marshwiggle.  As if those incidents had not been enough to set Miss Ash completely on edge, the centaur's stargazing and Reepicheep's dueling sent her over the edge.  The centaurs held to the belief that the stars were "informing them of the fate to befall the unfortunate students", and refused to leave until they had been thusly informed.  Anja suspected it was simply a ploy to evade the staff members and grumpy staff.  This university business was starting to wear on everyone's nerves, even the formerly unflappable Reepicheep.  

The mouse was constantly attempting to duel with imaginary foes, claiming that he was keeping in shape, but all he was really managing to do was get in everyone's way.  Several staff members now bore marks on their ankles from the overzealous swordfighter, until Miss Ash forcibly intervened.  Reepicheep was still putting about the loss of his rapier, although Miss Ash promised to give it back before the students arrived.

Yes, indeed, everyone's nerves were worn down, waiting for the whole university business to begin.  All the staff felt it.  There was a lingering unease that radiated from all who could claim any sort of participation in the university.

Anja cut a corner rather close, and skidded to a stop when she found her quarry arguing with what was to have been her second search object: the Green Witch.  The two were furiously throwing insults at each other, a common occurrence whenever they got within a vague hearing range of each other.  As it was, the noise level they were generating at the moment was reaching ear splitting proportions.

"Why, you hormonal simpleton, your little snowstorm this morning ruined, and I mean _ruined_ my underworld caverns!  They're now filled with snow and ice, and the gnomes won't shovel it out because it's not a part of their union contract!  That means the caverns will be filled with even more water when and if the snow and ice finally melt, which means they will be flooded!  All that hard work for nothing," the Green Witch finished her tirade with a high pitched shriek that nearly cracked the glass window she was standing next to.

"Oh, do shut up," Jadis sneered back, "you  serpent-tongued half-wit; I have no need for your insolence.  Just because you cannot control the weather is no need to blame me for you faulty skills or lack of power.  Although, it is truly not surprising – you couldn't even control you little underworld gnomes.  I suppose that is what comes from lacking a name…" she trailed off, smiling as she saw the Green Witch's face turning scarlet red.

If there was one subject not to mention to the Green Witch, it was her absolute lack of a defining name, save for the Lady with the Green Kirtle, or the Green Witch.  Many staff members had offered nicknames, but the Green Witch's response had been…less than pleasant.  Only Miss Ash's timely intervention had stopped the staff from being on the receiving end of the rather painful consequences of irritating the Green Witch.

"What, why you, oh, oh how dare you," sputtered the Green Witch, taken back by Jadis's insult.  

Anja sighed to herself for what seemed like the hundredth time that day (in actuality, it was closer to a thousand), knowing that she would have to intervene before the situation really got ugly, and therefore, destructive.  However, she did not particularly relish the thought of being turned into a stone statue, as she had been the last time she had broken up an argument.  She had waited for hours for Miss Ash to discover she was gone, track her marbled form down, then track Aslan down, bring Aslan back, and finally revive her.  She was still digging small pebbles from her shoes.  

With that pleasant thought on her mind, she brought her fingers to her mouth, whistling in Miss Ash's unique "halt, cease, desist" whistle.  The result was immediate.  The witches quit their arguing, which was rather one sided at the moment, the Green Witch still in a state of stocked silence from Jadis's comment.  This momentary halt in commotion gave Anja the chance to dive in and seize each witch's weapon of choice – the Green Witch's mandolin, and Jadis's wand.

"Now that is quite enough," she bellowed, sounding scarily close to Miss Ash's commanding tone.  Maybe she really had been spending too much time around the diminutive course coordinator, to be channeling some of her fearsome mannerisms.  At 5'4", Miss Ash wasn't actually much of an imposing presence, until she got angry.  Then, anyone in the vicinity was in danger of catching fallout from her wrath.

"You two have kept Miss Ash. not to mention the rest of the staff, waiting for nearly two hours while you bickered like two schoolgirls.  Now, Miss Ash is starting to get testy.  You've both been fortunate enough to have not yet experienced her full wrath unleashed, but I feel as though that luck is about to run out.  Now, you stop arguing and come quietly with me, and that may be enough to stave off Miss Ash, at least for another day.  Or, I could just go tell Miss Ash I found you two arguing and you refuse to come with me.  That would make her day, as she has been making noises about reenacting both of your rather violent deaths.  Perhaps doing so would give her a chance to vent some of her anger…" Anja let the suggestion hang.

Both witches eyes widened at that pronouncement, then quickly and silently fell in behind Anja as she began trekking back to the stable, the common staff meeting place.  As she strode on ahead, Anja heard the two begin arguing again, albeit quietly this time.  She silently thanked the powers that be that she still had possession of their weapons.  Maybe that would calm them down for an hour, having the threat of, in Jadis's case, not being able to turn anything to stone, or in the case of the Green Witch, not being able to hypnotize anything, hanging over their heads.  Anja shook her head again.  She just had a feeling that this would be the first of many long days still to come.

Anja and the troublemakers reached the stable after several minutes of trekking through the woods from the castle.  Anja unceremoniously shoved the witches through the door, then slipped inside, closing the door behind her.

"Well, what do you two have to say for yourselves this time?" Miss Ash's voice rang through the stable, punctuated by a low growling sound emanating from Aslan's vicinity.

The witches opened their mouths to answer, but were cut off by Miss Ash.

"Never mind," she interjected, "you two will just start arguing again, skew the actual events, and hold us up even more.  I'll just presume you were locked in a perpetual argument again, and leave it at that.  However, if you two delay even a second more, I will not hesitate to delay everything just so I can reenact your deaths, several times over, even if it does raise our insurance rates.  Save the arguing for when the students arrive."

Jadis and the Green Witch had the decently to look at least slightly chagrined, and more than slightly fearful of having to face death multiple times over.

"Now then," Miss Ash addressed the rest of the staff, "since we are all finally here, the Welcoming Committee needs to be deployed.  The students are due to arrive this afternoon, which doesn't give us much time.  I want Jadis and the Green Witch to make up the Welcoming Committee, as well as several minis, and yes, Jadis, before you ask, you can take a dwarf or two."

Miss Ash continued to outline her plans for the students journey to Cair Paravel, nodding as staff members added their own suggestions in.  Her smile grew wider after several minutes of planning and plotting, and after delegating out responsibilities and tasks, she pulled open the stable doors, and the staff members all streamed out into the sunlight, heading in the direction that their particular task necessitated.  

Anja waited a moment for the stbale to clear, then made her way over to miss Ash's table.  "Well," she said, "are we ready for this?"

"Not in the slightest," Miss Ash smiled, "if you mean _this_ by class preparation, instruction, and other erstwhile university doing.  However, if _this_ refers to student education and greeting, we are more than ready.  In fact, I think that their beginning journey to Cair Paravel will even be an education," the course coordinator finished, then leaned down to remove the shoelace of her boot from the mouth of her mini-balrog, Valer.

The mini was a new import, straight from OFUM and Miss Cam.  She had already shown to have the particular quirk of enjoying shoes, particularly the soles, but she's eat laces if she could get them.  Many staff had woken up in the mornings to find shoelaces missing from sneakers, holes eaten in the soles of their shoes, and heels lowered considerably.  Miss Ash was attempting to train the mini to not eat staff member's shoes, although she didn't want to discourage the practice entirely.  After all, students didn't really need their shoes to be in one piece, did they?  Anja just hoped the mini-balrog wouldn't spread her habits over to OFUN's mini-dragons.  She only had so many pairs of shoes, and couldn't afford to have them used for chew toys.  At least the students would be arriving soon.  Then Valer could chew on their shoes.


	3. Constant Awakenings and Mysterious Miss ...

The Official Fanfiction University of Narnia

Disclaimer: Once again, Narnia - C.S. Lewis, OFUM - Miss Cam, Randomly Mentioned Fandoms - Random Fandom Creators. OFUN, Ellie, Ash & Anja - mine. Students - themselves.

* * *

Ellie couldn't remember hitting the wall, but as she swam out of unconsciousness, she realized she must have hit her head again _something_ for it to hurt so badly. She quickly became aware of the fact that she was sitting, not amidst a pile of clothes on her closet floor, but rather in a deep snow bank, surrounded by a forest of dark trees.

_Somehow, I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore…_she thought with impatience. _In fact, I don't even think I'm in Oz!_

"Where am I?" she wondered, and started at the volume of her voice in the quiet forest.

"Hello? Are you awake?" Ellie scrambled out of the snow at the sound of another voice, and promptly hooked her foot on the strap of her backpack, landing, once again in the snow.

Her backpack? What in Aslan's name was her _backpack_ of all things doing with her? She had been reaching for her jacket, not her pack!

"I'm sorry," the voice came again. "I didn't mean to startle you. It's just, I haven't seen anyone else around since the others went to go check out the distant light. You were out for a while, I mean, you must have hit your head on a tree or something.

The girl's rapid-fire speaking had quickly turned Ellie's light-headedness into a full-blown migraine, and she completely lost track of what her companion was saying after the sixth word.

"…you're the only one who was. Everyone else got a bit bruised, upon landing, I think. Landing on ice does that to you. But I stayed behind, in case you woke up. Good thing I did, since, well, now you're awake, which means we can go to the others. Isn't this exciting!"

Ellie managed to focus enough to concentrate her vision of the still-rapidly speaking girl, and found she was looking at a diminutive being not much more than four feet tall.

_Is she a midget?_ Ellie wondered. _Odd, because she looks almost like she could belong in _Lord of the Rings_. Almost like she's…_

…a misplaced hobbit."

"Huh?" Ellie was startled out of her thoughts.

"Sorry," the girl said. "You were speaking out loud, so I finished your thought for you. I'm a hobbit. I think I accidentally got sent to the wrong continuum, but while I'm here, I might as well make the most of it! My name is Rosie. Rosie Took, many relations to Peregrin."

Ellie's head was really spinning now. "Wait, wait, wait…Rosie?" The girl nodded. "Okay, um, where are we?"

"You mean you don't know?" the redhead asked, eyes wide. Ellie shook her head.

"We're in Narnia, of course," Rosie said gleefully.

"Narnia?" Ellie whispered. "I think I need to sit down…" just as her knees collapsed, and she went headfirst into a snow-covered holly bush.

* * *

"Ash?" Anja poked her head into the course coordinator's office, and found her sitting at her desk poking blue, wiggly cubes into the mouth of the newest mini, Caspain.

"Come on it," Miss Ash sighed, and motioned to a chair. "Just…move the boxes over to the side. I'm still trying to organize in here."

Anja stepped over a rolled-up rug, then moved to the chair and shoved a small stack of boxes onto the floor, where they thumped down heavily. Her eyebrows shot up at some of the mess.

"I thought you were already unpacked," she commented lightly.

"Oh, I am," Ash vaguely replied. "This is just some extra stuff I have to find a home for. I forget how much stuff I really acquire sometimes."

"Mmhmm," Anja nodded. "Don't I know it. Is that a new dress you have?" she asked, motioning to the very different getup that Miss Ash had on. She had never seen a dress like that anywhere on Narnia, despite the fact it looked familiar.

"It's amazing what you find in some of these boxes, isn't it?" Ash shrugged, then popped another blue cube into Caspain's waiting mouth.

"What in the world are you feeding him?" Anja asked. "That stuff looks like blue Jell-O gone bad!"

"It's an...import." Ash paused for a moment. "They love this stuff, fresh or aged," Ash said with a shrug. "And it's something Valer won't touch, so our mini's food is safe from her."

"Yeah, it's just our shoelaces that aren't," Anja replied, suddenly glad that she had remembered to wear her zip-up boots that morning. "Which brings me to what I came to tell you. Well, one of the things."

Ash nodded. "Good, I could use something other than questions about when something is going to happen."

"Well, I just got a rather large airmail delivery of some bacon. Apparently, it's been specially prepared for mini-Balrogs, courtesy of the OFUM kitchens."

"As long as Gandalf didn't go anywhere near it," Ash shuddered. One time on OFUM's kitchen had been one time too many for her lifetime.

"And there's a note pinned to it," Anja continued. "It says, 'Hugs and Warm Wishes to Valer, from the OFUM staff and minis."

"That's nice," Ash commented. "A school-warming present. Hope they didn't mean the warm wished too literally though. Between a balrog and the dragons, I hope I have enough fire extinguishers. I tried to instill in their brains the meaning of only shooting flames around stone structures, but you know how they are. They have an attention span worse than fan writers."

Anja nodded in agreement. Her own mini, assigned as bodyguard and overall pet and entertainment value, Poodleglum, was far more difficult to train than any dog she had ever had.

"However," Ash continued, "they have caught on very quickly to the concept of inflicting pain on fangirls. I thought about trimming their claws back, in an attempt to preserve the upholstery around Cair Paravel, since they claw furniture worse than a cat, but I decided the effect that would be gained when they tried to land in a fangirl's hair will far outweigh any furniture-replacing costs. Besides, I think I might be able to write off the furniture as deductible."

Anja just rolled her eyes. "What is it with you and budgets? Between your deductibles and your insurance rates…"

"Hey, what can I say," Ash protested, "I'm the finance department, course coordinator, mini trainer, and Valen-knows-what-else all wrapped up in one neat package. Any questions?"

"Nope, not anymore," Anja said, and stepped over to the door. "Well, yes, just one. Are you sure that's not a new dress? Did you learn to sew or something?"

"Yeah, in all my spare time, right?" Ash jokingly replied. "You've seen it around, I'm sure."

"Yeah, I know I've seen it around, just not on you," Anja said. "What are you not telling me?"

"Anja," Ash raised an eyebrow. "Leave it. For now, at least. Could you get me a status report from the Welcoming Committee? I need to know how many beds to set up for medical purposes."

Anja nodded, then stepped out into the hallway, still pondering the somewhat cryptic behavior of the course coordinator.

* * *

"Wakey, wakey," a shrill female voice called out, and Ellie awoke for the second time, but this time on the hard wooden bottom of a sled. She slowly opened her eyes, then bit back a scream as her eyes focused in on two orange glowing ones staring straight at her, less than three inches away.

"Well," another voice piped up, this one sounding softer and slightly more soothing than the first. "It looks like Rillian's made a friend. He's so thoughtful, the idiot." The voice became more grating after that, and the animal the glowing eyes belonged to was snatched from his perch on Ellie's lap.

_Rillian? Wasn't that what the mouse called the dragon that was in my room? Does that mean I'm still dreaming?_ Ellie shook her head, and the sharp pain accompanied by the starburst in front of her eyes made her think otherwise. _Does this mean that this is really happening? I'm in another world? Narnia? What about home? How did I get here? Who are these people?_

Completely overwhelmed, Ellie slumped forward in a dead faint. Jadis shook her head at the sight of the girl, then turned to the Green Witch. "We really must break her of that habit, mustn't we?" she asked.

The Witch's face turned up in a sweet smile. "Yes, I do believe so. This may be a way to redeem ourselves to Miss Ash, if we take on a joint project. Imagine if we could turn this girl around, toughen her up, really teach her valuable insights. She may prove useful."

"I completely agree," Jadis said with a smile, and directed the sleigh back towards Cair Paravel.

* * *

A/N: Well, I finally updated. Sorry that took me so long, everyone. I've been swamped with school, and frankly, obsessed with several other fandoms. Anyways, my apologies to all, and I hope to stay a bit more active with this from now on. I'm trying to plot something…let you know how it turns out.

Poor, poor Ellie. Looks like the girl has a bit of a fainting problem. And what are the witches plotting? And what is Miss Ash being so mysterious about? Extra brownie points to anyone who knows what the mini-food is (and it's NOT Jell-O).


End file.
